What Trauma Really Is And Why It’s More Common Than You Think (Trauma Series Part 1)
By Nhi Vo, LMSW | Clove Counseling, Lisle IL
When many people hear the word trauma, they picture a shocking, life-altering event: an assault, accident, natural disaster, or a moment of severe danger. These experiences absolutely are traumatic, and they deserve care and recognition.
But clinically, trauma is not defined by the event alone.
It’s defined by the impact the experience has on your nervous system, your sense of safety, and your ability to cope¹-³.
This means many people who never experienced a single catastrophic event still carry the effects of trauma–sometimes for years–without realizing that their experiences qualify.
Clients often tell me:
“Nothing bad happened to me. I don’t understand why I’m like this.”
“My childhood was pretty normal, so why do I struggle?”
“Other people had it worse. I shouldn’t feel this way.”
If you’ve ever felt this way, you are not alone. And your reactions make far more sense than you think.
Trauma Is Not the Event - It’s the Internal Experience
Research consistently shows that trauma is less about what happened and more about how overwhelmed, unsupported, or unsafe your body felt during and after the experience⁴-⁶.
Two people can go through the same situation and walk away with completely different effects because trauma is shaped by:
your developmental stage at the time, meaning the age and phase of brain and body development you were in
previous stress load
your emotion regulation skills, meaning the tools you have to calm your body and manage big feelings
cultural or racial stressors, including microaggressions which are subtle but hurtful comments or actions directed at someone because of their race, culture, or identity⁷-⁸
whether someone helped you cope and feel less alone
Trauma often includes experiences like:
chronic emotional neglect⁹-¹⁰
inconsistent caregiving
unpredictable or chaotic homes⁹
pressure to be perfect
racial trauma and microaggressions⁷ ⁸
being “the strong one” or the emotionally responsible child
caring for your parent’s feelings instead of your own
relationships where needs were minimized
These experiences shape us deeply because the nervous system adapts to survive. These adaptations can persist even long after our experiences have passed or changed beyond what we can recall.
When Nothing Bad Happened… But You Still Feel the Effects
A child doesn’t need harm or catastrophe to feel overwhelmed.
Overwhelm can happen when a child lacks:
co-regulation, which is when a caregiver’s calm and steady presence helps a child’s body and emotions settle, even if the caregiver does not directly resolve the problem⁵ ⁶
emotional validation
predictable support
caregivers who know how to talk about feelings
When those pieces are missing, even in well-meaning families, a child’s nervous system may learn:
“My emotions are too much.”
“I need to handle things alone.”
“It’s safer not to express anything.”
This is especially common in families where caregivers themselves never received emotional support, were overwhelmed, or were taught to suppress feelings. Research shows that invalidation—even subtle or well-intentioned—can impact a child’s emotional development¹¹ ¹²
Phrases many of us heard growing up:
“You’re fine.”
“Stop crying.”
“It could be worse.”
are often meant kindly, but they can still teach the body to hide, disconnect, or go numb.
This is trauma, too. Not because there were villains, but because there were unmet emotional needs.
The Nervous System Remembers What the Mind Forgets
During childhood, the brain and nervous system are rapidly developing. They rely on attunement, connection, and co-regulation to learn how to manage emotions⁴-⁶ ¹³
When children don’t receive those experiences consistently, the nervous system adapts by creating survival strategies such as:
hypervigilance, or staying on high alert and scanning for danger in neutral situations
shutting down or dissociating (“zoning out”)
people-pleasing
perfectionism
avoiding conflict
withdrawing when overwhelmed
feeling “too sensitive”
struggling to feel safe even in calm situations
These aren’t personality flaws. They are adaptive patterns: ways your body learned to protect you.
As Dr. Bruce Perry, a trauma expert, puts it:
“The body remembers safety and threat long before the mind has words for them⁶.”
Why Understanding Trauma Matters
Recognizing trauma in its full spectrum helps people finally understand themselves with compassion instead of blame.
Understanding trauma helps you realize:
Your reactions make sense.
Your nervous system adapted to protect you.
You are not “too much.”
You are not “broken.”
Healing is absolutely possible.
Therapy helps reconnect the mind and body, heal old patterns, and create new experiences of safety and connection.
If there are any terms in this article that are unfamiliar, please visit our glossary page to learn more.
Coming Next in This Series
This post is Part 1 in a series exploring trauma and healing more deeply:
Part 2 : When Nothing Bad Happened… But You Still Struggle
Part 3: How Childhood Shapes the Nervous System
Part 4: How Trauma Shows Up in Adulthood
Part 5: What Healing Trauma Actually Looks Like
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(Or check back soon — new posts are on the way.)
Curious About Trauma Therapy at Clove Counseling?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to help.
Learn more or schedule a session at:
References
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror (Updated ed.). Basic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services (Treatment Improvement Protocol [TIP] Series 57). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Schore, A. N. (2019). Right brain psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.
Williams, M. T., et al. (2019). Racial trauma and mental health. Current Psychiatry Reports.
Comas-Díaz, L., Hall, G. N., & Neville, H. A. (2019). Racial trauma: Theory, research, and healing. American Psychologist.
Crittenden, P. M. (2016). Raising parents: Attachment, representation, and treatment (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Kim, S., et al. (2020). Childhood emotional neglect and adult mental health: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review.
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental socialization of emotion. Psychological Inquiry.
Porges, S. W. (2017). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W. W. Norton & Company.
